Having the Conversation About Senior Living

Broaching the topic of senior living can feel like acknowledging what's on everyone's mind. As people age, their needs may change. Some older adults require support with activities of daily living, while others remain every bit as independent as they were 20 years ago.

The decision is one to make together as a family. By addressing your questions and concerns up front, each of you can feel a sense of peace about the road ahead.

Is it time to talk about independent senior living?

If you or your aging family member don't require support with activities of daily living, independent senior living can be a smart option.

Why would someone who doesn’t need personal care assistance move to a senior living community? Because it’s a great way to enjoy a more connected, maintenance-free lifestyle. Older adults can spend less time worrying about home upkeep and more time building friendships, participating in activities, and enjoying a true sense of community. Families can also feel peace of mind knowing support is nearby if needs change. 

Is it time to talk about assisted living or memory care?

Having the conversation about assisted living or memory care can open the door to a more connected and engaged life. These communities provide support with daily activities while offering dining, housekeeping, transportation, and social opportunities. Residents can focus on what matters most, maintaining their independence and building friendships. 

Ideally, the conversation starts far before the need arises. In a perfect world, the conversation about senior living is an ongoing one, where family members agree about what is going to happen in the future.

The reality is that most people prepare for the conversation after they notice a sign that it’s time, including: 

• Spending more time alone or withdrawing from social activities
• Unexpected weight loss
• Experiencing a fall or other safety-related incident
• Struggling to maintain grooming routines or healthy eating habits
• Finding it difficult to keep the home clean and organized

The first step is bringing together the right people and gathering the necessary information to prepare for the conversation. This can include input from healthcare providers and senior care professionals, as well as family members. The more prepared you are and the more support you have, the more productive the conversation is likely to be.

Talk about the specifics.

It helps to have specific senior living communities in mind before starting the conversation. Think about where the communities are located, their reputation, the services they offer, and what you can expect in terms of costs. Having this information ahead of time can make the conversation more productive. 

Start by asking for recommendations. Find out if friends or neighbors have experience with the communities you're considering, and what they liked or didn't like. Touring communities in person is the best way to get a sense of what each one offers. 

When exploring senior living options, it's helpful to look for communities that demonstrate the qualities of a great place to live. Consider what daily life would be like and the level of support available. Look for features such as:

• A nutritious dining program with a variety of daily options
• Happy, engaged residents
• Caring staff with sufficient coverage to meet residents' needs
• A continuum of care, so support can increase without having to move
• Clean, well-maintained spaces

Conversations about senior living can be sensitive. Moving to a senior community is a big step, and older adults may have misconceptions about what life is like or a strong preference to stay in their homes. At the same time, family members may have questions about costs, safety, staff, and the quality of care provided. 

Read on to explore steps you can take to make sure everyone is heard and the conversation happens respectfully. 

Choose the right person to lead the conversation.

First, ask yourself whether you’re the right one to start the conversation. 

Can things get a little emotionally charged between you and your family member? If so, is there someone else who may be a better bet to start the conversation, such as another family member or even a close friend of your parent? Is there a sibling who always seems to be able to get through best to your mom or a cousin your dad always relates well with? 

Different personalities may have different approaches to this discussion topic, but the message should be the same. Sometimes the messenger just needs to be a neutral party that your family member will listen to. 

If things have dissolved into unproductive arguing every time you’ve broached the topic with your family member, think of the one person they’ll listen to, and ask them to lead the discussion. That means the immediate family may need to take a back seat during the conversation. Instead, consider reaching out to trusted people, such as a family pastor or priest, your family member’s physician, or longtime friends. 

Keep the conversation positive and as comfortable as possible.

Make sure your conversation doesn’t feel like an intervention. Keep it positive and comfortable and take your family member’s fears and anxieties into consideration by listening actively, acknowledging their concerns, and validate their feelings.

Timing and location matter. Choose a quiet afternoon in neutral territory. Avoid places with distractions so the conversation can remain calm and constructive. 

Consider the advantages and disadvantages of a private conversation vs. a team effort. 

Although you should involve other family members and experts in the overall decision about whether senior living is desired or necessary, the conversation may need to be more private—and it definitely needs to be respectful. 

Your parent or family member may express a readiness for senior living, but they still can’t seem to make the change. This is where a private, one-on-one conversation may be most appropriate. They want to make the decision, but they don’t want an audience. You know your family member—if they are adamant about privacy, make the conversation private.

On the other hand, if you know a conversation will only be effective as a group effort, gather your troops and make a plan, including:

• Deciding who is the best person to lead the conversation to make it most productive
• Getting everyone to agree to not waver from the bottom line
• Preparing reasonable answers for reasonable objections

No matter whether you choose a private or a group conversation, make sure you keep it as positive and as comfortable as possible.

So, what exactly do you say to even start the conversation?

Today’s senior living communities don’t bear much resemblance to the old stereotype of a “retirement home.” Senior living now happens in living, breathing, bustling communities where older adults can thrive.

Break the ice and warm up the conversation. 

Start by asking about experiences or sharing your own, such as:

• Talking about how daily routines are going
• Observations about recent health visits, changes in energy or mobility
• Discuss shores and explore ways support could help

If specific topics have been sensitive in the past, acknowledge that openly: 

• I know this isn’t an easy topic, but it's important to talk about it in case a situation comes up that requires a quick decision. 
• This may feel awkward to discuss, but I want to explore options that help us stay safe and comfortable.
• I recently learned about a community that seems well suited—it may be worth seeing what it's like together. 

If your parent or family member previously talked about senior living but now has cold feet, warm up the conversation with the following:

• You loved the idea of not having to worry about the yard and the gutters. Do you really want to go through another fall with all of the leaves?
• I remember how much you wanted to downsize last year. We can help you find the perfect senior living apartment to move the process along.
• You always told me that if it wasn’t safe for you to live by yourself, you would consider senior living. Are you still thinking about that?

And then ... listen. 

Listening is key. Let your parent or family member know that you understand this is a hard decision. Deciding what to do for this next exciting stage of life is a big deal. 

Listen to their concerns, and actually hear them. Validate their fears and concerns, but let them know that the fears and concerns you and other family members have are also real and that checking out a senior living community can’t hurt.

Listening is the best way you can truly understand where your family member is with their decision about senior living, so you can go through this journey together. 

Your parent or family member might not be receptive to hearing about senior living even if a need for assistance becomes undeniable. No matter what, they may have a lot of objections, so it’s good to have responses ready.

When someone is apprehensive or getting cold feet, it’s usually caused by fear of the unknown and anxiety that goes along with any major life change. Your parent or family member’s objections are valid and real, and they should be listened to and met with understanding paired with a gentle reminder of reality.

For example:

Objection: I want to stay in my house.

Response: I can understand that you want to stay here. There are so many memories, and you’ve always loved this house. At the same time, we know it might not be safe to be here alone. A senior community could be a great chance to enjoy more social activities. I think you would be really happy. It would be an adjustment, but I believe you'll do great. 

Objection: I can’t leave Fido.

Response: Of course, you can’t leave your dog! We would never even consider a place that doesn’t take pets. Don’t worry; Fido is family!

Objection: I'm worried about the cost.

Response: I understand that cost is a big concern. Senior living can simplify budgeting by combining many expenses into a single monthly rental rate. In many cases, it may even be more affordable than staying at home with home health or care services. 

Objection: I’m fine here. I’m still safe.

Response: You can still do so much, but you're falling asleep in your chair because the stairs are too difficult. This house would be too much for me at my age. If you had an apartment where assistance is available, I think you would worry less and sleep better. 

If you really want to make the conversation as easy as possible, talk to Cedarhurst.

Cedarhurst communities are dedicated to giving seniors a place to truly be themselves and make the most of this next stage of life.

Residents not only get top-of-the-line amenities and a bevy of enriching activities and services, but they also live in a space where unique people continue doing the unique things they love—such as raising butterflies. We go the extra mile with our Pair to Prepare^® program, which offers extra new resident support, and our Cedarhurst Promise, which is a 60-day money-back guarantee. We really do understand and respect how residents like to live.

Learn more about what Cedarhurst has to offer by chatting with us today, and see how we can help you get ready to have the conversation.